Once my tubes were removed, in December 2002, our only options to increase our family size was to adopt or in-vitro fertilization, IVF. Before spending $10,000-$14,000 on IVF I wanted to make sure I had a good chance at success. Dr. Keenan thought our chances were very good since I was in my early twenties and that we had plenty of time to decide, but after my FSH levels were tested, in March 2003, my chances looked a bit different.   The test showed that my egg quality was ten years older than my actual age. This meant that I had to quickly decide if IVF was right for us.

My husband, Brian, and I felt IVF was more than we wanted to spend, but adoption could be just as expensive or more. After researching many different options we decided to go to Johnson City, TN for our first IVF, since the cost was much less than other places we had investigated.

Brian and the doctor did not get along from the beginning, so that added additional stress to a very stressful situation. The doctor spoke inappropriately to my husband and in return Brian snapped right back at him. Looking back I should have just left, but I didn’t. All I wanted was a baby and if I had to put up with a few inconveniences to get my baby then that was what I was going to do!

The staff was excellent and went over all the procedures with me. The shots had began and I was on my way to becoming a mother! Unfortunately after every doctor’s appointment the doctor left me crying heaps. I felt he never had anything positive to say. After being told I was the WORST patient he ever saw, I was flabbergasted that a doctor would even speak to a patient that way, and I did not know how to reply to that. All I could think was “WHY AM I HERE?” ; however, I was determined to continue. With my list of Bible verses in hand and putting on the armor of God, I was off to show him that doctors did not know it all and that God is always in control.

The egg retrieval was one of the most physically painful things I have ever gone through, and I can still say that now! All I had taken for the procedure was valium and an over the counter pain medication (I later discovered that most women are put to sleep!). When it was done, my husband looked over at me and said “It only took 2 minutes per egg!”  I replied, “Then YOU do that 14 minutes next time! “ I was amazed at how much pain I was in and then how the pain dissipated once the doctor took the very long needle out!

In June 2003, my mom, Mary Holmes, and Brian’s mom came with us to the doctors office for the procedure. We all prayed together and then I was taken back with my husband for the actual transfer. The doctor said the embryos looked good and that I could count myself pregnant.  I think that was the only time he ever said anything positive and I was going to take it. When I was on the table he asked us what we wanted to do with our other embryos. The doctor had never talked to us about it before this point! Brian just wanted to know how much extra this was going to cost and I looked at him and said “I do not care how much it will cost. Those are our children and we are going to keep them!”  So we had them frozen, hoping we would not need to use them any time soon.

I stayed in bed for as long as they suggested and felt time just stood still waiting for the day of the pregnancy test. Finally, the day arrived and they said, the levels were too low to tell. How can that be? I thought you were either pregnant or not! They said that it was early and my levels would have to double next time I came in. So I went home stayed in bed and prayed. When went back to the doctor they had doubled! YEA! So I am now pregnant.  When I arrived home from driving to the doctor, Brian had taped roses to the front door saying I love U! It was such an exciting time.

Soon after that Brian had to go out of town for work and I started to feel very bad, so I called the doctor’s office. They asked me to give them symptoms, which I could not do, I just knew something was wrong. They thought I was out of my mind, but I knew something was very wrong and it was.  I started bleeding when I was on the phone with them and by the time I went to the doctor again it was a total loss. I did not know it at the time, because they did not tell me; but, it was considered a chemical pregnancy. They can call it whatever they want, but it was a loss to me. I was devastated! We had prayed about it and felt this was what God wanted us to do, so why did it end so badly? At the time I could not tell you, but now I can say that God had a better plan than I did.  As I get ready to visit the Cassidy family I am glad that is all over and I am now onto another phase of my life.


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