THE HARD WALK

This past week during the Bible study I attend we were talking about how hard it is going through infertility. Most of the women in the group have been down that road, but not all of them. One that had not experienced it is just now dealing with it. She said she always sympathized, but had no idea what it was like. This is her first month and is wondering how some of us went though it for so many years.

One reason I think infertility is so difficult to handle is because we do not have any control over the outcome. Patients can do things to increase the statistics, but in the end God is still in control no matter how good or not so good the statistics are. That can be hard to accept.

I was drawn to embryo adoption in part due to the NEDC’s statistics. In my first attempt I was matched with an open donor and I chose a closed donor for my backup. The back-up embryos I picked out based on the quality of the embryo, nothing more or less. The sperm and egg both came from college age donors without prior infertility medical history. In theory they should have been excellent embryos. Because my open donor embryos did not make the thawing out process, I did end up with the closed donor embryos. I got pregnant had great numbers, but then ended up with a “chemical” pregnancy. Even though I thought everything was going well God thought differently.

The next time around I did not choose the embryos; I just agreed to take them when they were presented to me. The embryos were still of great quality, but the Cassidy embryos were not from young people without any infertility medical issue. The Cassidy embryos were good quality embryos, but the others should have been better. Therefore, if other embryos did not work, why would these?

Going through the process the second time around was much more difficult, since I thought I had done everything “right” the first time and did not get the results I wanted. This showed me that God is always in control and even when something tragic happens, like not carrying to term, that His plan is always better. It is taking the leap of faith when things have gone terribly wrong before that we really experience what trusting God is all about.

It would have been so much easier for me to say, no I do not want to go through embryo adoption again, I am DONE! But I have realized that doing what is easy is not always what is right. As I get ready to go on my trip to Haiti, I am a bit overwhelmed with so many fund raising events and trying to be a mother as well. It would be so much easier for me to say, no this is just too much for me and not a good time. Looking at my house right now, this is what I would like to do since I have clothes in every corner. I’m getting ready for another child consignment sale that I will take the proceeds from to help fund my trip. This is my second one this month as well as a formal wear sale. I feel a bit weary like I did at times during my infertility journey. I do not know if all my hard work will be enough to fund my trip or not, but I have faith that it will. Just as I discovered in my infertility journey, taking the easy way out and giving up would have left Natalie and Julian still frozen in time and if I give up now who knows how many people will not receive the gift of eternal life.

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