Over the past few weeks I have been looking back at my own infertility journey. The support group I became a part of many years ago, Sheltering Tree, has just started back up as a support group to women going through infertility. As I listened to the new girls talk about their losses, anger, hurt and disappointment, it brought me right back to those days, and what hard days they were! For me it was so difficult to put myself back in the situation of loss, over and over again. Even the last transfer, which resulted in the twins, I was very hesitant. It does not seem like a big deal when you just talk about (as I did daily as the PR Manager for the NEDC), but when it is you, it is a very big deal. Putting yourself back on the front line, is hard to do, but I think it would be much harder, if I had already had a child. I think now, I would better understand what that loss really means. Before, I only had dreams of what being a mother would be like, now I know what I really was losing.
When I took Natalie to the doctor this week, Julian stayed at home with Dad. While we were at the office Natalie asked about Julian and wanted to know when he was coming back. I told her we would see him at home. Then when I got home it was off to dinner with former co-workers from the NEDC. I was able to take Julian since he was not sick, but Natalie stayed behind with Dad. When Julian and I got home, Natalie ran into the garage hugged Julian and they each told one another how much they had missed the other. Natalie then went and got the extra sucker she took from the doctor for Julian, to give it to him. This was a priceless moment, the love they have for one another is like no other.
Natalie wears Princess dresses all the time and tells everyone she is a Princess and Julian lets everyone know he is her Prince! Last weekend we were at my brother’s birthday party and Julian was making this grunting sound and flexing his arms. I just thought Brian had let him see some wrestling match on TV and that was where he was getting that from. Then he was doing it earlier this week as well. When I asked him about it he told me that he was the Beast and that (pointing to Natalie) was his Belle, as in Beauty and the Beast. Julian was flexing to protect his Princess. Wouldn’t life be so nice to have always had a Prince right by your side to protect you and love you?
When I think of Easter, that is this Sunday, I am reminded that is what I have too. I have a Prince who not only gave his life for me, my own mother would have done that, but took on my sins and because of that His own father could not look at him. My sin separated Jesus from God at that time, and yet he still loves me. The most amazing part of the story is that my Jesus defeated death! He arose and now is waiting in Heaven for my return, yet is with me always. So when I look back on my infertility journey I see that God was always there for me. I may not have liked what was happening at times, but He has the master plans that I could not see. He will always protect me and be right by my side, Psalm 121.