As mentioned in a previous post, we relinquished our 10 remaining embryos a couple of weeks ago. Part of what solidified this decision were my feelings after visiting a good friend in the hospital after the birth of her first child. Little Emma was precious and perfect and I thought I might get that stir inside me longing to have another, but I had nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. In fact, I felt relief that we were beyond the helpless newborn stage and even felt mild panic at the thought of a third child.
Other than more than one newborn at a time, I can think of very little that is more tiring than a newborn. Not only is your body recovering from expelling a human, said human is extremely demanding. Plus, you don’t know this new person, so you have to figure out what they need/want/like while your hormones are going crazy, your boobs and other body parts hurt, and you’ve reached the edge of complete and total exhaustion. Can I just have two, maybe even three hours of interrupted sleep, please? Who cares that I’m walking around with bags under my eyes the size of Texas and my shirt is crusty with milk that leaks uncontrollably? Meanwhile, laundry and dishes pile up, and well-meaning friends and family want to come and meet this new beautiful creation. Our NICU experience shielded us from the onslaught of visitors and we kept their homecoming somewhat low key so we could adjust to this new and crazy life without juggling too many visitors. I’m also not afraid to say “no” and did so on more than one occasion when a visit would have been more stress for me than it was worth.
I’ve come a long way from three years ago, when visiting a new baby would bring the mixed emotions of happy for them sad for me. I’ve also come a long way in the face of a pregnancy epidemic that seems to be running amok around me. With my friend’s new baby and the impending arrival of a new niece or nephew, currently known as K2, I have no less than five people in my circle and countless friends on FaceBook who are pregnant or recently delivered. Anyone who has been down the infertility road knows how hard this can be when pregnant bellies are seemingly coming out of the woodwork. Thankfully, through the blessing of embryo adoption I’ve been able to move beyond that longing and wondering “why not me?” To quote Kenny Loggins… I’m alright.