Earlier this month was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, which I wrote as my message on Facebook. I received a few comments and likes as well, since it was asking to remember those who have dealt with this type of loss. I have discovered that once I tell people about my losses, then others open up about theirs as well. Many more people have experienced this than I had ever thought about. Some people I have heard makes excuses for it, such as, “the baby or babies must have had something wrong with them,” or “it just was not meant to be.” I am sure there are many, many more ways people try to explain the loss. I do realize that if I had carried to term any of the times, before Natalie and Julian that I most likely would not have them, but I do not think that erases my loss. I have come to realize that there are times in my life, I just have to say, I do not understand and I never will. That there are things in life that are much bigger than my mind or heart can ever comprehend and that God is God and I am not. Not try and explain away why miscarriages occur but just say I do not understand, but God does.
This week has been one of those weeks where I have to say, I do not understand, but God does. Brian and I have been blessed to be members of a few different churches and a few different choirs and out of those three we lost two fellow choir members, both named Steve, at two different churches this week. One had been sick for a long time and the other was a sudden death, but both were our brothers in Christ and will be remembered as such.
People have different ideas of when life begins, but for me it is at conception and that for my children always meant in the petri dishes, which were all lost at different stages; some before transfer, some known as chemical pregnancies, and others after thawing. Any way you classify them they were all still losses, 26 in all. I lost my father when he was 44 and my mother when she was 69. All of these losses had one thing in common: they hurt, but I know the story has not ended. This is what gives me hope and I believe many others who face loss as well.
After church today Brian pointed out the house I grew up in to the twins, which is across the street from our church. Natalie looked and said, “Mom, there is your dog!” I told her that was not my dog now, but I did have one when I was a young girl. They wanted to know what happened to my dog, Do, and I told them he was in heaven with God. Natalie told me, “God will give him back to you!” Sometimes it takes my children to remind me of what God has to say. “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten — the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm my great army that I sent among you.” Joel 2:25 (NIV) I know God has blessed me with Natalie and Julian if only just to remind me of what He has to say.