Recently, I took a parenting class based on the principles of ‘Love and Logic’ by co-authors Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Phd. Here are some notes from week one:
How to handle a whining or begging child:
- Go Brain Dead- don’t over react, don’t talk or lecture, don’t try to reason in excess.
- Pick one statement and smile while saying it, such as, “I love you too much to argue.”
Remember, when you do the right thing by setting limits for children and enforcing them, it may feel like your doing the wrong thing in the short term. But, sometimes we have to upset children (in the short term) so they can be successful in the long term.
There is an epidemic of parents who don’t want to upset their kids (or don’t want their kids to be unhappy even temporarily), although it could produce long term gains in discipline.
Two basic beliefs kids have:
- My parents, the most powerful people in my life, cannot make me behave. Therefore, I must be really bad.
- My parents can handle me. Therefore, I must be pretty good. And! They make parenting look easy.
Characteristics of successful parents:
- Not permissive.
- Keep it simple, use few words to discipline.
3) Always communicate love and empathy before delivering consequences.
*Using empathy is the core of Love and Logic principles to parenting. Choose one empathetic statement such as, “How sad” or “That’s a bummer.” (That’s a bummer you mis-behaved, and now I have to take a toy away). Then, deliver consequences. This teaches cause and effect.
*The transfer effect will occur if parents are consistent. It’s hard for them to blame anyone else for their misconduct if they can see the cause and effect.
*Plan out consequences. Take time to plan and discipline. “Which toy will you give up for your mis-behavior?” Let actions and discipline do the teaching. Let the action of taking the toy speak for itself rather than talking about the situation over and over. Kids will tune you out, but they will remember having their toy taken for a time.
Everyone has a different parenting style. These are just notes from the class I wanted to share. Each family knows what works for them and each individual child.