MIXED EMOTIONS

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I received my medical protocol this week for our upcoming transfer in May! Relieved my test came back negative, Josh and I are happy to be pressing on for a sibling.

Recently, I had some mixed emotions. When I was told to come off the hormones during the needle biopsy ordeal, I expected my cycle would start within 5-10 days. After almost 3 weeks of no menses, I got concerned and called the IVF coordinator.

She said that if I hadn’t started by the 10th of April to take a pregnancy test. If it was negative, to start the birth control. Pregnancy test? I was just a tinge excited at the thought of being spontaneously pregnant on our own. Hey, it could happen!

Then I started getting mixed emotions. Of course, I would love to be miraculously pregnant with a biological child. Isn’t that what everyone who’s been down the road of infertility wants?

Along with the excitement came hesitations. What would happen to my six frozen babies who are the biological blood link to John Luke? I can’t imagine loving John Luke more if he were my own flesh and blood. Would he be jealous that we were genetically related to the child? Would he feel we loved the genetic child more?

So many questions.

I never would have dreamed I would be saying this…I was a little relieved when I took the pregnancy test and it was negative. In reality, we would’ve been over the moon with excitement (and shock)!

But…a part of me would’ve been sad over how this would impact John Luke and the future of our frozen babies.

I no longer wish for a biological child for myself, but want a blood relative for John Luke. Don’t get me wrong, blended families are amazing. They are just as loving and sometimes even more functional as biological families.

We couldn’t love John Luke more if he were our own. We just want more like him!!

We have 6 embryos in waiting, suspended and frozen, until its their time to shine. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for them. I hope its bright.

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