INSENSITIVE COMMENTS

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If you really don’t want to know how a pregnant women is feeling-don’t ask!

Recently, a dear friend asked “How are you feeling?”  To which I replied I was feeling good, but I’ll feel better after my next ultrasound.  I told her I wasn’t having as many symptoms as in the beginning.  I still felt pregnant and was starting to show, but was worried I might have lost one of the babies.

It is a common fear of early twin pregnancies, especially since Vanishing Twin Syndrome occurs in 21-30% of multifetal pregnancies in the first trimester (according to the American Pregnancy Association).

Her response was, “That shows you have too much time on your hands if you are worried about that.”  This reaction bothered me on several levels.

First, I detest when people dismiss your worry as something insignificant.  Things that bother some of my friends or family does not worry me.  I don’t discount it as irrelevant when they express their concerns to me.

Second, she’s never gone through infertility and has no concept of how hard it was to be able to say, “We’re carrying twins!”  In my 11th week of shots (with a sore bum), I can truly say, she has no idea what we have gone through.  She jokes she can get pregnant on birth control.  Love you girl, but good for you!  My babies didn’t come so easy, and I won’t dismiss losing one so easy either.

Third, because I fear miscarrying a twin means in her words, “ I must have too much time on my hands,” infuriates me.  My well intended friend is always making comments about how much “free time” Stay-At-Home moms have.  I don’t want to debate the challenges of Working-Moms vs Stay-At-Home Moms, but there are few myths out there about Stay-At-Home moms.  It’s not a competition- both face advantages and disadvantages.

NO one wins in this argument.  Both make tremendous sacrifices.  When working moms go to work, they take their child to a caretaker.  I am the caretaker.  That is my job!  I take on hours of volunteer work outside the home that often feels like work, I just don’t get paid for it.  We do without so I can stay home.  I respect and admire the challenges working moms face in trying to juggle it all.  I hope they do the same for moms that work inside the home.

Another CPA friend who is on maternity leave with her third child said to me, “This Stay-At-Home mom stuff is not all it’s cracked up to be.”  She was considering staying home full-time to care for her three children.  She recently mentioned she wants to go back to work and give it some more thought.

I feel blessed to be a stay-at-home mom.  I also realize many moms simply don’t have a choice whether to work or stay home.  We sacrificed for years so that I could stay home.  This is a privilege, but it didn’t come at a small price.  We waited to start our family until we were financially able to raise a family on one income.  Unknowingly- while focusing on our careers- we waited until I was no longer able to have biological children.

We all make sacrifices for our family.  I have the highest respect for moms who have to work everyday to better the lives of their children.  My family has to make sacrifices for me to be able to stay-at-home.  Maybe we should be more sensitive to the struggles each other face in trying to balance it all.

 

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