Afraid of 2015


As dawn breaks on the start of a new year, the fear of the unknown can be very sobering.

I remember like it was yesterday being in the throes of infertility, and the bittersweet taste of what a new year could bring.

There was hope, sure. But there was also the fear that all hope was lost.

There was anticipation, definitely. But there was also the pit in my stomach that grew with the thought that I was only to be anticipating more disappointment.

And there was excitement, of course. But there was also an overwhelming shroud of anxiety that my excitement would give way to agony.

As we step into this new year, I have two dear friends, unknown to each other, but linked by infertility. One just discovered she is pregnant with twins. The other is still, well, just still waiting for that other dark line to appear.

Although I’d like to say that infertility is behind me, it has left some very real and tangible scars in its wake. The blessing of those scars is that the experience of infertility has given me a platform. I can talk with others who are going through it without just pretending or speculating. I’ve been there, and I can relate to every single emotion they are feeling. And, because the worst of it is over for me, I can also share with others the hope that can come when this season is over.

For some, the season will turn with the birth of a child. For others, the season will turn with the adoption of a child. For others, the season will turn when they are consumed by contentment with their present circumstances, whatever they may be.

I am grateful for the three little blessings God has given my family. And yet, there is still mourning over how those blessings came about. But, that mourning does not last for long. Because, those blessings could only come about in the way that they did.

When I start to dwell on the fantasy children that I could have had, I stop almost immediately. Because those fantasy children were never going to come. God had planned, since the beginning of time, for these three children to be mine. There are no others, at least not here on earth. And, in His amazing providence, these three children were destined to come about in the way that they did.

So, as dawn breaks on the start of this new year, I remember being afraid of so many other new years, and what untold secrets they held. And, right now, as I hear the first bird of a new year greet the morning with singing outside my doors , I close my eyes in gratitude that those fears are behind me, and look up to heaven in awe of the blessings bestowed.


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